Why Women Don’t Want the Nice Guy by 5.0
Have you ever sat and wondered to yourself why women want the ‘jerk’…? Or have you looked at friends / acquaintances relationships’ and been unable to understand why that smoking hot girl is still with that guy who treats her like shit…? And thought to yourself, if she could only see how sweet and nice you are she would want you…? This is perhaps the number 1 question I’m asked on pretty much every bootcamp I’ve instructed on. Let’s start from the beginning – I am NOT going to tell you to stop being a nice guy, what we are going to deal with is why women don’t want the nice guy.
The major difference between the two is this; the nice guy EMOTIONALLY OVERREACHES. Some examples of this: * …the nice guy turns up to a first coffee date with flowers & chocolates. * …the nice guy tries to be ‘friends’ with a girl he likes, hoping that it can turn into something else when she sees what a nice guy he is. * …the nice guy puts up with her bullshit even if it crosses his boundaries e.g. answers to phone to her at 3am to hear her crying about how her jerk boyfriend has cheated on her only to find out shes back with him the next week. Before we start, let me say officially: women don’t want jerks. They do, however, want, enjoy and even need, the emotions the ‘jerk’ guy can give them. Before anyone takes me the wrong way let me clarify what I mean by ‘nice’ ‘Nice’ = boring ‘Nice’ = neutral ‘Nice’ = no challenge ‘Nice’ is kindness with an agenda, you’re doing something for someone with the expectation of getting something back, and it’s not just girls that can smell this a mile off. Ever been in a position of power or authority and had people suck up to you to leech your value? Not a nice feeling is it. Would you want a woman like this? I suspect not. By constantly supplicating and acceding to everything she asks of you, you become dull, uninteresting & not a challenge. Saying this, make sure you don’t go and become the asshole jerk – being a polar at anything in pick up, and life in general, is a bad idea. You don’t want to be the suck up good guy constantly, and you don’t want to be the unavailable tease constantly either. People want and need boundaries, and as such will test them; women will push you until they find yours so they know where they stand and what kind of guy you are. Braddock and Mr M discuss this in superb depth in their Inner Game seminar, (you can check out Mr M’s article on Inner Game on the Attraction Forums here)
If you allow her to break a boundary you consider important, for example she is mad at you for no reason and won’t give you an explanation, she will lose respect for you as she knows she can do what she wants and you will put up with it. She is also more likely to repeat this behaviour as you have set the precedent that this behaviour is acceptable.
The old ‘cat-string’ theory is a great way of visualising this problem; if you tease a kitten with a piece of string it will go crazy trying to catch it and have a lot of fun in the process.
This was the old adage. The problem is guys take this so far that they never let the kitten grab the string, which results in it getting bored. What I mean is as I said above you cant be a constant tease as she will inevitably lose interest. Women LOVE confidence and dominance which nice guys NEVER exude – they are too scared of doing something she won’t like and it will result in them losing the girl.
Let me give you an example: * The nice guy takes a girl on a date, she arrives and he ask where she wants to go & where she wants to go. Nice guys don’t have a plan, they’re so worried about losing the girl that they will avoid making any decisions in case they upset or offend her. * *A nice guy arranges to meet a girl, and when she arrives he says ‘OK, which do you like more, Chinese or Italian?’ She says, ‘Chinese’. He takes her hand and says ‘awesome, I know this amazing Chinese, we’re going there. Do you see the difference?
I don’t want guys reading this to lose those qualities that make them a nice guy – chivalry, manners, thoughtfulness etc – the fact is this; we guys have to ‘earn’ sex from women, but women have to ‘earn’ the nice side of you. All the things I’ve listed here not to do, would be perfectly acceptable if the woman in question is a girl you’re dating or a girlfriend. So how do you become this confident guy? One part of has to do with having abundance.
So what exactly do I mean by abundance? Say you saved up for 10 years and bought a bar of gold bullion. It would take pride of place on your mantelpiece and you would polish it and show it off every day. BUT. If you were robbed and lost it, you would be devastated as that thing you worked so hard for has gone and you’re unlikely to get it back. you would bore your friends with stories of how this was the perfect bar and you’ll never replace it, and curse the universe for taking it away from you.
However, if you had hundreds of the bars and you lost one, sure it would be disappointing, but you would still have many more bars you need to polish and that would take up your time – you would get over the loss faster.
The same goes for women; if you have options in your dating life, your attitude will shift from being needy and clingy to that one girl, to being a lot more chilled and relaxed, should you ‘lose’ her or if she bails on a date etc.
Why is this an issue? A consistent recurring theme I hear from guys on bootcamps, and girls, I work with is that they want to know how to ‘get’ this one special person. They focus all their time and energy on them to the exclusion of anyone else. They become the ‘nice’ and needy guy, constantly calling / texting / facebooking / sending flowers etc her to get her attention and trying to line up dates. They take her bullshit, put up with unacceptable behaviour and are generally presenting an incredibly weak and unchallenging frame. This has the net effect of you losing attraction in her eyes, as you are way too available and way too little of a challenge. I mean, how much of a cool guy can you be if you’re behaving as if she is the only girl on the planet. Refer back to the cat string analogy in the first article.
Society has conditioned men and women to find ‘the one’. The simple statistic that there are over 6 billion people alive today (source International Population Database) should surely prove that this idea is completely outrageous. The statistics are stacked in your favour that there are many women who you would want to have as a girlfriend. This doesn’t mean you should never settle down, I mention it to show that until you are in a relationship with a woman, you should not focus 100% of your dating attention on her. ** How do I create abundance?**
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Having abundance means you should act as if nothing is ever a ‘big deal’. If a girl cancels a date on you and you get all crazy and angry and respond emotionally to it, then she knows you don’t have options and as such, you lose value.
However, if she cancels and your attitude is more ‘hey, no problem, I’ll call you and we’ll reschedule’ – you are sub-communicating that, sure, it’s a shame you won’t be going on the date, but it’s not a massive issue, because YOU HAVE OPTIONS. Plus, you still have the ball in your court as you have said you will call her to reschedule. The abundance to-do list: * Fake it till you make it – Chill out, relax, if you feel the need to text a girl again before she’s replied, call a friend, play xbox, go to the gym, just go do something that distracts you from thinking about it! * Go out more! – If you’re reading more than you’re going out, you won’t be meeting different women. * Start going for dates instead of just collecting phone numbers – I’ve lost count of the number of guys who’ll gladly show me they have hundreds of women’s numbers, but yet no dates for the following week. They don’t have to cost the earth, but should definitely be fun, exciting and different. You will quickly discover that, When you are dating several times a week and one cancels, it really is no big deal as you have several other options open to you, and suddenly, the abundance ‘theory’ has become abundance ‘reality’.